heaven and hell at once

Life lately has been a walk on a tight rope.  Stretched between fear and faith and pride and hosts of emotions I didn’t even know existed…..I mean separation anxiety at 20 isn’t a common thing, is it?

And then, when nothing else could seem to go South…………I get a phone call to let me know my sister had passed away.  Whoa, wasn’t ready for that one.  We haven’t been extremely close as of late but there have been times when we were really there for each other.  We shared many memories and a common love of certain things.  We both had been extremely close with our dad, and we lost him almost 2o years to the day of her passing.  It hit hard and I was home alone and far away from our mom and the rest of the family.  Took me a few hours to digest and then I realized what I had to do……….

I had to contact my son in the midst of his preparation to leave for Iraq and I must tell him the sad news.  He loved my sister very much.  They had a special relationship and because my sister had been 15 years older than me, she had mothered him some as well.  My first reaction was—no, you can’t tell him!  He needs to concentrate on his mission and needs no distraction.  My thought process wasn’t really a thought process and I just decided I would wait until he was in a better position to hear such weighty news.  As my thought process redirected, I realized that wasn’t an option and he must hear it and…..he must hear it from me. 

I went through the proper channels to get him an emergency message, he was literally hours away from leaving for the first leg of his journey to Iraq.  It seemed like hours and then when he called me back……..I was crying and very emotional and I almost couldn’t say the words.  This freaked him out more because all of the possibilities raced through his mind…his little brothers?  his dad?  his grandma?  what could have gone so wrong that his mother couldn’t speak?  Finally, I was able to form the words and spew out that his Aunt Ruth had died.  It broke my heart more than the news itself to hear the anguish and tears of my grown son once he was able to understand me.  I wanted to be there, I wanted to hug him and hold him while in his sorrow.  And more than anything, I wanted to ’fix’ it as any mother reading this understands.  There is something innate in a mother’s heart and psyche that feels the need to ’fix’ the hurts of their children well beyond the skinned knee…..and I couldn’t.  I couldn’t and I couldn’t comfort him……….it was one of the lowest moments of my life.  Here he was facing a deployment and now his heart would be heavy with this as well.  We briefly discussed emergency leave plans but we quickly realized (thankfully!) that him coming home again to the sadness and then going back through his goodbyes again would just be too much.  We also realized that my sister was very proud of him, very proud…and the last thing she would want would be for him to not carry out the mission he has volunteered for.  Difficult decisions all around, hunh?

He left the next morning for Texas where he was to pick up Buck (see previous post for Buck’s story) who had been getting his shots, etc for the trip out of the country.  He spent a few days in Texas and then left for another Air Force Base on the East Coast to prepare for his flight to Kuwait.  After spending a night in Germany en-route, he landed safely in Kuwait.  As we ’speak’, he is in the air on his way to Iraq.

A memorial was held for my sister on Saturday.  It was at a park, there was friends, family and food.  She would have been pleased, I am sure.  She had suffered both physically and emotionally for a very large part of her life, this was her reprieve.  She was now finally at peace and no more sorrow and no more pain.  We will miss her, no doubt.  She was loved, she was loving.  She will live on in our hearts forever.  Her children–all adults with children of their own–have promised my son that once her ashes are available they will mail some of them to him in Iraq.  That made me smile sort of, my sister would have never imagined in a million years she would be going to Iraq!

After reading this, do something for me…..call your sister or your brother or your aunt or cousin–you know what I mean….tell them you love them, talk about the old times and share a laugh.  Hug your children, if they are home and if they aren’t call them or drop them a note or a care package, do it for my sister–

Ruth Hunter Damron 01/13/1954-09/18/2008 may she rest in peace…

it would make her smile.

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