heaven and hell at once

December 7, 1941–Pearl Harbor Day.  Commonly referred to as the day that will live forever in infamy.  I agree completely with that description but today, over 60 years later…for a different reason.

I had the great pleasure of living on Pearl Harbor in the late ’80’s and early ’90’s.  I visited the Arizona Memorial and frequently would see the bullet holes left from that day at various sites around the island.  I wasn’t a history scholar (a scholar of any kind for that matter??!! LOL) but I knew what that war was about.  We were attacked by a foreign enemy who was attacking us and other countries in somewhat of a frenzy.  We declared war, fought back and kicked butt.

That’s what makes Pearl Harbor and December 7 infamous to me.  It was the last time this country engaged in a war for a clear and precise reason with a crystal clear enemy and an undeniable victory.

Since then our wars have been ‘conflicts’ and our victories have been anything but….victories.  Sad, but true.

The brave men and women that lost their lives that day, all 2390 of them….their deaths were avenged and the loss of their lives, while more than tragic–lead this nation into a war that it emerged clearly as a World Class Superpower from…!  Our economy was strong, our morale was high and the respect for this nation was palpable anywhere in the world!

What about now?  Our death toll stands at 4,523.  Are we sure we attacked this country for clear and precise reasons?  Are we kicking butt?  I am sure you all can answer that for yourselves….and as the mother of a United States Soldier deployed in Iraq, I can answer it with far more conviction than you’re interested in hearing.

If you feel like me, I would much rather be infamous for kicking butt and defending the constitution than the fiasco we are on the worldwide stage with right now.  It’s time to do your civil duty, educate yourselves on foreign and domestic affairs and do your part to ensure our elected leaders restore our country to what she was as a result of December 7, 1941……infamous for kicking butt!

I haven’t written very many posts lately.  I apologize.  I guess you could say, I have been a little sad…well, more than before sad.  I had a little surgery on the 19th and spent quite a bit of time on my butt!  For those of you who know me, perpetual motion is my favorite way of life.  Spending time on my butt gives me too much time to think….I don’t like to think a lot anymore!  I remember an overused phrase I learned growing up–”Ignorance is bliss”!  I have come to swear by that and just try and keep it as simple as possible.  Being on my butt, being 40 and having a piece of my heart in a war-zone ganged up on me……so I haven’t been around (it’s called isolating) Sorry! 

It doesn’t help that the piece of my heart that is in a war-zone is now settled into Forward Operating Base Kalsu.  He had been at Camp Liberty and Camp Stryker and I was so grateful because we spoke daily, sometimes more than once.  It was nice and I could at least rest in the relative security of knowing that if I was hearing from him, he was safe.  Now, he’s hunkered down with Buck at Kalsu.  Kalsu has little to no internet capabilities except for one Government sanctioned internet tent.  Hunter had spent boatloads of money on his laptop and getting it wireless internet ready and that had made things so easy for us.  FOB Kalsu has NO wireless capability and it would take the Soldiers nearly two grand to get it up and going and he can’t find enough of them that want to go in and split the cost of wireless installation.  So, now I’m scraping by on a telephone call her and there, very short….and a few messages on the computer when he gets the time.  I am trying to get over my holiday case of the ‘Poor Me’ and just learn to be grateful that he is very well trained and very ready for his mission and I just need to be strong and relish the short calls and keep my own spirits up.  Send me some comments, you guys know I blog for strength and today, I need some…….

Mama loves……

p.s. don’t worry, I can usually recover from the slump without too much whining!

I just love this picture of Hunter and Buck….the building you see in the background is one of Sadaam’s many palaces.  It is widely stated that this particular palace was Sadaam’s “duck hunting” palace……Looks like the Good Ol’ USA is putting it to much better use!

And so today we honor our veterans…to whom we owe our lives and liberties.  I am a very proud mother of a veteran (still serving-Camp Stryker) and the very proud daughter of a WWII Veteran.  I truly understand first hand that freedom isn’t free.  We must choose to use our freedoms wisely to honor those who give some or all for our liberty.  Even if you’re a bottom feeder and you have nothing else to do with your time than surf the net and try and find meaningless dirt, thank a Veteran!  For the rest of us, let’s hold our heads high and completely enjoy our lives and liberties courtesy of our Veterans…..I know I am!!!!! Living the good life–courtesy of the Red, White and Blue!

October 24, 2008

It’s a Friday night…kinda chilly….nice night to stay in.  Read a little perhaps, catch up on some TV or play a family board game or game of cards…..but for our family, it’s an Army family night!  We gather around, each adding our contributions to the current care package we are assembling so that I can heave ho like a pack mule yet again to the Post Office in the morning!!  Each little brother has his own little something he wants sent and of course, I have my ’necessities’ that I am sending his way with love…we wait on the computer to signal us that Hunter has signed on to Skype so we can SEE him and talk to him!! Oh yeah, we are lovin’ Skype!!  We research the weather conditions today in Iraq so that the little brothers can feel a little connected and educated about where their big brother is…….and then, well…….the sweetest thing happens on our Friday Army Family night.  I open up a message Hunter has sent and it’s the video I posted for you guys above.  I know it doesn’t surprise you all that are regular readers but…yes, I cried! Here’s my son, living in a war-zone and working his butt off for very long shifts…and he’s thoughtful and considerate enough to send us a video that is so heartwarming….that’s my boy!!!

I watched it a few times and I have to say…It’s so true, too…..if you have a husband, wife, son, daughter, friend, cousin, brother, sister in the Armed Forces–you truly are a part of their strength.  It’s also true that we have to be strong for them, too.  I try my hardest not to cry when I talk to him.  He must know that I  have full confidence in his training and abilities….and I do….but I am still his Mom and he is still my heart so I just keep the tears to myself so as not to worry him.  Army Strong means understanding why he couldn’t be here on Wednesday for his baby brother’s fourth birthday and why on Saturday when his middle brother turns twelve…again, he won’t be here.  Army Strong means that if the phone rings at four in the morning, we answer it because we don’t care what time it is…..we want to hear from our Hero!!  Army Strong is always encouraging and reminding him of how PROUD we are of him!  Army Strong is where we understand that our family’s sacrifice is to benefit other families both here in the United States and in other countries.  It’s not easy but we are—–ARMY STRONG and very, very proud!!

Thanks for the video, Son….as usual you have melted my heart, AGAIN…We are right here waiting on you and we are ARMY STRONG…..Mama loves

And so, my son calls…….that was so awesome!  The phone rings and I am going about my busy day and there’s a call.  I don’t recognize the number and almost let it go to voicemail but something said–Answer it!  It was hard to hear and I couldn’t understand so I kept saying who’s there…and then finally the first words I understand are—IT’S YOUR SON!  Oh wow, butterflies and all that stuff.  So excited and so relieved to hear his voice and know that, for the moment, he is safe!!  He tells me a bit about his adventures thus far and sounds so enthusiastic and determined.  Oh my, I could feel the pride well up in my heart and soul.  He’s such an incredible kid…and he’s mine!

After the initial first few over the moon minutes, he gives me his mailing address.  He lets me know it’s only temporary as he is in Camp Liberty right now but will be shipping out to a Forward Operating Base (FOB) in a short time.  He gives me a list of the things he would like to have.  The Post Office has already closed for the day so I go to sleep barely able to contain myself in anticipation of getting up and getting him his requests right away. 

Bright and early the next morning I go to Wal-Mart….truly on a mission.  I have my list of his requests and then of course, I have my own list of things that Moms just know her little ones need…and wants!  I shop like a true mad woman.  Filling the basket and racking my brain to be sure nothing is forgotten.  Goodies, Airborne, toiletries, energy bars…I even get Buck a treat!  I was in Wal-Mart for over an hour and a half and spent over $100.  Shopping complete, little did I know….that was the easy part!

Next stop, United States Post Office with bags and bags of things to ship.  This being my first time, I had no idea what was in store.  After walking up to the service counter looking like a pack mule, I am sent back to fill the flat rate boxes I have been given.  Sideways, upright, squeezed in the corner….whatever I could do to make it all fit.  Three boxes later there were still a few items that I just couldn’t squeeze in…..

All the while, other patrons pass by and make nice comments.  Most realize what I am doing and give encouragement.  After all the packing, then came the paperwork…..mounds of it!  Customs forms, labels, etc.   This had become quite the task!!  It didn’t matter though, ANYTHING for my boy!!!!

So finally, I make my way back to the counter looking less like a pack mule and more like I had ran a mini marathon.  I hoist all three boxes up and feeling very frazzled reached for my debit card in my pocket.  The clerk looks at me and smiles…..I am prepared for her to ‘give me the damage’ as my daddy used to say.  She and the clerk next to her smile again and nod to each other….they stop the line for a second and come over and tell me that someone….not sure which one….but someone that had come through and watched me working feverishly to get the packages out had paid the shipping costs and told them to tell me that it was their way of showing their gratitude to my son for his service.  Speechless with tears in my eyes and so much gratitude in my heart……then I managed to clear my throat enough to profusely thank anyone and everyone within earshot as I walked away. 

I got in my car and thought to myself….that’s why my son protects this country! Sure, there’s a political agenda.  Yeah, it has alot to do with a barrel of oil.  More than anything though, he is fighting for the American people he loves so much and for the liberties and freedoms we enjoy.  He fights to protect our right to say as some do, I don’t support the war…but I will give of my heart to support the Soldier and his family that fight for me……. 

So, tonight when you go to sleep, rest easy…..my son has got your back.  Tonight when I go to sleep, I will be very thankful for the kindness and generosity of the anonymous person who had my back today-and I will rest easy only when my precious son is home safe again.

Pay it forward, every chance you get! It meant so much to me.

This is my youngest son, Isaiah.  He will be four on the 22nd of this month.  He ADORES his older brother.  I bought him a cheap little police set of toys and he proceeded to put them on and announce “Me dressed up like Tunter”.  That was the cutest thing and of course, it made me cry.  There he was with the badge, the gun, the portable and the whistle…..just like a policeman….and just like Hunter!  Memories flooded back, I remember when Hunter dressed up as a Policeman for Halloween in Pre-K.  Seems like just yesterday, I know that’s often said but oh how true it is!! Now, he’s the real thing……a Military Policeman in the US Army!  I hugged my little one tight-to soak it all in–and I took this picture to email to Hunter in Iraq and I decided to share it with you guys, too!  Isn’t he the cutest??   There’s nothing like brotherly love………..

Come home safely, big brother…..there’s a little one who wants to literally walk in your shoes!!

Mama loves…..

Life lately has been a walk on a tight rope.  Stretched between fear and faith and pride and hosts of emotions I didn’t even know existed…..I mean separation anxiety at 20 isn’t a common thing, is it?

And then, when nothing else could seem to go South…………I get a phone call to let me know my sister had passed away.  Whoa, wasn’t ready for that one.  We haven’t been extremely close as of late but there have been times when we were really there for each other.  We shared many memories and a common love of certain things.  We both had been extremely close with our dad, and we lost him almost 2o years to the day of her passing.  It hit hard and I was home alone and far away from our mom and the rest of the family.  Took me a few hours to digest and then I realized what I had to do……….

I had to contact my son in the midst of his preparation to leave for Iraq and I must tell him the sad news.  He loved my sister very much.  They had a special relationship and because my sister had been 15 years older than me, she had mothered him some as well.  My first reaction was—no, you can’t tell him!  He needs to concentrate on his mission and needs no distraction.  My thought process wasn’t really a thought process and I just decided I would wait until he was in a better position to hear such weighty news.  As my thought process redirected, I realized that wasn’t an option and he must hear it and…..he must hear it from me. 

I went through the proper channels to get him an emergency message, he was literally hours away from leaving for the first leg of his journey to Iraq.  It seemed like hours and then when he called me back……..I was crying and very emotional and I almost couldn’t say the words.  This freaked him out more because all of the possibilities raced through his mind…his little brothers?  his dad?  his grandma?  what could have gone so wrong that his mother couldn’t speak?  Finally, I was able to form the words and spew out that his Aunt Ruth had died.  It broke my heart more than the news itself to hear the anguish and tears of my grown son once he was able to understand me.  I wanted to be there, I wanted to hug him and hold him while in his sorrow.  And more than anything, I wanted to ’fix’ it as any mother reading this understands.  There is something innate in a mother’s heart and psyche that feels the need to ’fix’ the hurts of their children well beyond the skinned knee…..and I couldn’t.  I couldn’t and I couldn’t comfort him……….it was one of the lowest moments of my life.  Here he was facing a deployment and now his heart would be heavy with this as well.  We briefly discussed emergency leave plans but we quickly realized (thankfully!) that him coming home again to the sadness and then going back through his goodbyes again would just be too much.  We also realized that my sister was very proud of him, very proud…and the last thing she would want would be for him to not carry out the mission he has volunteered for.  Difficult decisions all around, hunh?

He left the next morning for Texas where he was to pick up Buck (see previous post for Buck’s story) who had been getting his shots, etc for the trip out of the country.  He spent a few days in Texas and then left for another Air Force Base on the East Coast to prepare for his flight to Kuwait.  After spending a night in Germany en-route, he landed safely in Kuwait.  As we ’speak’, he is in the air on his way to Iraq.

A memorial was held for my sister on Saturday.  It was at a park, there was friends, family and food.  She would have been pleased, I am sure.  She had suffered both physically and emotionally for a very large part of her life, this was her reprieve.  She was now finally at peace and no more sorrow and no more pain.  We will miss her, no doubt.  She was loved, she was loving.  She will live on in our hearts forever.  Her children–all adults with children of their own–have promised my son that once her ashes are available they will mail some of them to him in Iraq.  That made me smile sort of, my sister would have never imagined in a million years she would be going to Iraq!

After reading this, do something for me…..call your sister or your brother or your aunt or cousin–you know what I mean….tell them you love them, talk about the old times and share a laugh.  Hug your children, if they are home and if they aren’t call them or drop them a note or a care package, do it for my sister–

Ruth Hunter Damron 01/13/1954-09/18/2008 may she rest in peace…

it would make her smile.

So, anyone who has been kind enough to read my ramblings about my son probably realizes by now that I am just crazy over the kid and fighting the fight of my life between fear and faith.  I have written about a myriad of things to do with his deployment, his childhood, my fears and my pride.  Now it’s time to bring up another really important part of the story—Buck!!

So here’s the story of Buck…as I know it.  Buck is a German Shepherd.  Hunter VOLUNTEERED for this Iraq deployment in June.  In July, he travelled to Indiana to the Vohne Liche Kennels.  Upon his arrival he met Buck– formally known as an Explosive Detection Canine.  He spent one month in the guidance of  the trainers from Vohne Liche.  There he learned tons of information about Buck, what Buck can do and how he can handle Buck and how together they can be a very effective team.  He spent time learning about the following:

Grooming and Health

First Aid/Safety

Explosive Overview

Odor Characteristics 

Contours (Odor Travel)

Leash Control

Explosive Searching

Detection Searches

Buildings

Vehicle

Obedience

He was so excited and when he would call me from school he was always so enthused about the content of the course.  He and Buck spent all their time together and their bond began to form.  I came to love Buck, too, through pictures and hearing Buck stories…..and also knowing that Buck is trained to protect my son and his fellow soldiers at all costs.

In Indiana, Hunter also met the team he is currently in Iraq with.  They also began to form their bond, as well.

From Indiana, after Hunter and Buck’s graduation….the dynamite duo  travelled to Arizona to the Army  portion of the schooling.  While Vohne Liche had been in depth civilian training….the Army then sent him to six more weeks of their curriculum.  He spent lots of time tracking in the desert sand, very practical practice for the terrain in Iraq.  I heard stories of ’sidewinders’ which sounded like pretty hateful little varmints….one of the few we don’t have here in Dixie.  I heard stories of having to spend the nights in the desert alone with all the dogs on a rotation basis and I could also hear in my son’s voice that the bond was really growing—daily—with both the dog and his fellow soldiers. 

Upon the Army’s graduation, Buck was sent to Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, Texas.  There he was ’sworn in’ to the Army and given his rank.  His rank is E-5.  It is Army policy that the dog will always be one rank higher than his handler.  Cute, hunh?  Now that Buck has become a certified Army Canine, any time Hunter is in a building he must leave his cover (hat) on.  This is the Army’s notification to other soldier’s that an armed soldier has entered the room.  So whether my son has his gun or not, he is still considered armed with Buck.  Again, cool hunh? 

Now, on to the mission of my dynamic duo….as I am told this is a brand new thing…well, sort of…they did it in Vietnam but it hasn’t been used since…..Hunter and Buck will be attached to a Special Forces Unit.  Another duo will be with him as well, they will be assigned in pairs of K9s and Soldiers.  When the Special Forces Unit finds explosives Hunter and Buck will be tracking back to the source of the explosives…..yeah, trust me, I know….it’s a really dangerous mission!  I doubt that the Iraqis that are laying the explosives make it easy to track back to them…….

My only thread of sanity comes from knowing how well trained both he and Buck are and the strong bond between the two–and of course my faith.  Hunter stands 6′3″ and Buck just about 3 foot but Buck weighs in at 160 lbs anyway…..not much less than my Lanky Long Legs son! 

So now, my friends and supporters you know about Buck–a very important part of the story!! Surely you have heard pride, pride and more pride in this installment and also with a bit more info on the mission it’s pretty clear that my fears are not trivial or contrived……next time I think I will write about the rest of the Soldiers that are with him….I have grown to know them and care for them, too….

So, please keep Hunter and Buck in your thoughts and prayers and me, too……

God Bless Hunter and Buck…..

Mama loves 

My oldest child will leave for Iraq this week. I so vividly remember holding him as a baby…looking at that little face and imagining what he would grow to be. It seemed like so far away in the future. I can remember his sounds,  his smells and his adorable little personality.  Now I watch him wear his uniform proudly and tower over everyone in the room. He doesn’t cry anymore when he gets hurt. His once toothless smile sometimes includes a cigarette–much to my dismay!  We have conversations about girls (gasp!) or the news or things that happened in his day and, once in a while, I’ll hear the occasional curse word come out of his mouth–He’s a Soldier–what can I expect?? He’s begun to have his own experiences separate from me. Even though, what’s funny is I can soooooo hear myself in him and the things he laughs about and thinks for some reason he has invented…!! LOL I know that there are parts of his life that I don’t know about and I hold my breath hoping that he is good and happy and safe. Every once in a while he’ll give me a hug or I’ll watch him sleeping and he still seems somehow small. I dream about this next stage of his life and realize how proud I am of all he has done so far and just how proud I will be when he comes home from Iraq……when he comes home!!  Mama loves Son….Mama loves

I am so proud to be Hunter’s mom!

And so it begins……..we spent the weekend together…..like old times.  Laughing and goofing off.  He bungee jumped and we raced go-karts.  We admired the beauty of the mountains and even went under the ground in some pretty neat caverns.  I bought him a coke float….like the ones I used to make him when he was little.  We talked, we laughed and we loved the time we had together.  Just another weekend, right…NOT.  The last weekend before he goes to Iraq. 

You just want to capture and savor and freeze every moment in time.  I spent the weekend in denial.  I can honestly admit that.  There’s a fine line between acknowledging and accepting what is happening and denying it.  I denied it.  Until the very last night……..we watched a comedy!  A really freakin funny one, too–What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas–Funny–a hoot really.  And then in the last few minutes of the movie my psyche would no longer accept the denial……….and reality fried me to the bone.  I wanted to take him and hold him and take him to his room and set him up with his little movies and toys and DARE the government to come knocking trying to drag him off to their STUPID war!  Like I said though, reality blindsided me and I realized I can’t…..I can’t keep in his room as my little boy because he is now a man—a very, very brave man…and I also realized it’s not the JUST the government’s STUPID war—-it’s ours.  We the American people….we have a land and a constitution and a people to protect and uphold and my son has to go defend them.  And I realized that we are the Land of the free…Because of the Brave.  I realized that come the next morning he would be off to pick up his orders and I would be headed back to my prison–the prison I shall live in until he returns home safely to me and all that love him.  So, I guess I have reached a point.  I have at least acknowledged his mission and that of our United States Armed Forces.  I have not accepted it yet.

Come on board with me.  Save me from the insanity that lies just below the surface.  I need strength—that’s why I blog.  Is there a way to make it to the next step?

  Accepting is completely a foreign idea for me at this point….I can honestly say that.

It was a sweet weekend.  I loved every moment.  It’s what I lived for.  Times like those made every challenge of parenthood more that worth it.  I can not wait to do it again.

Mama loves Son….Mama loves 

Yeah, it’s heavy.  I know.