heaven and hell at once

This is my youngest son, Isaiah.  He will be four on the 22nd of this month.  He ADORES his older brother.  I bought him a cheap little police set of toys and he proceeded to put them on and announce “Me dressed up like Tunter”.  That was the cutest thing and of course, it made me cry.  There he was with the badge, the gun, the portable and the whistle…..just like a policeman….and just like Hunter!  Memories flooded back, I remember when Hunter dressed up as a Policeman for Halloween in Pre-K.  Seems like just yesterday, I know that’s often said but oh how true it is!! Now, he’s the real thing……a Military Policeman in the US Army!  I hugged my little one tight-to soak it all in–and I took this picture to email to Hunter in Iraq and I decided to share it with you guys, too!  Isn’t he the cutest??   There’s nothing like brotherly love………..

Come home safely, big brother…..there’s a little one who wants to literally walk in your shoes!!

Mama loves…..

Life lately has been a walk on a tight rope.  Stretched between fear and faith and pride and hosts of emotions I didn’t even know existed…..I mean separation anxiety at 20 isn’t a common thing, is it?

And then, when nothing else could seem to go South…………I get a phone call to let me know my sister had passed away.  Whoa, wasn’t ready for that one.  We haven’t been extremely close as of late but there have been times when we were really there for each other.  We shared many memories and a common love of certain things.  We both had been extremely close with our dad, and we lost him almost 2o years to the day of her passing.  It hit hard and I was home alone and far away from our mom and the rest of the family.  Took me a few hours to digest and then I realized what I had to do……….

I had to contact my son in the midst of his preparation to leave for Iraq and I must tell him the sad news.  He loved my sister very much.  They had a special relationship and because my sister had been 15 years older than me, she had mothered him some as well.  My first reaction was—no, you can’t tell him!  He needs to concentrate on his mission and needs no distraction.  My thought process wasn’t really a thought process and I just decided I would wait until he was in a better position to hear such weighty news.  As my thought process redirected, I realized that wasn’t an option and he must hear it and…..he must hear it from me. 

I went through the proper channels to get him an emergency message, he was literally hours away from leaving for the first leg of his journey to Iraq.  It seemed like hours and then when he called me back……..I was crying and very emotional and I almost couldn’t say the words.  This freaked him out more because all of the possibilities raced through his mind…his little brothers?  his dad?  his grandma?  what could have gone so wrong that his mother couldn’t speak?  Finally, I was able to form the words and spew out that his Aunt Ruth had died.  It broke my heart more than the news itself to hear the anguish and tears of my grown son once he was able to understand me.  I wanted to be there, I wanted to hug him and hold him while in his sorrow.  And more than anything, I wanted to ’fix’ it as any mother reading this understands.  There is something innate in a mother’s heart and psyche that feels the need to ’fix’ the hurts of their children well beyond the skinned knee…..and I couldn’t.  I couldn’t and I couldn’t comfort him……….it was one of the lowest moments of my life.  Here he was facing a deployment and now his heart would be heavy with this as well.  We briefly discussed emergency leave plans but we quickly realized (thankfully!) that him coming home again to the sadness and then going back through his goodbyes again would just be too much.  We also realized that my sister was very proud of him, very proud…and the last thing she would want would be for him to not carry out the mission he has volunteered for.  Difficult decisions all around, hunh?

He left the next morning for Texas where he was to pick up Buck (see previous post for Buck’s story) who had been getting his shots, etc for the trip out of the country.  He spent a few days in Texas and then left for another Air Force Base on the East Coast to prepare for his flight to Kuwait.  After spending a night in Germany en-route, he landed safely in Kuwait.  As we ’speak’, he is in the air on his way to Iraq.

A memorial was held for my sister on Saturday.  It was at a park, there was friends, family and food.  She would have been pleased, I am sure.  She had suffered both physically and emotionally for a very large part of her life, this was her reprieve.  She was now finally at peace and no more sorrow and no more pain.  We will miss her, no doubt.  She was loved, she was loving.  She will live on in our hearts forever.  Her children–all adults with children of their own–have promised my son that once her ashes are available they will mail some of them to him in Iraq.  That made me smile sort of, my sister would have never imagined in a million years she would be going to Iraq!

After reading this, do something for me…..call your sister or your brother or your aunt or cousin–you know what I mean….tell them you love them, talk about the old times and share a laugh.  Hug your children, if they are home and if they aren’t call them or drop them a note or a care package, do it for my sister–

Ruth Hunter Damron 01/13/1954-09/18/2008 may she rest in peace…

it would make her smile.

So, anyone who has been kind enough to read my ramblings about my son probably realizes by now that I am just crazy over the kid and fighting the fight of my life between fear and faith.  I have written about a myriad of things to do with his deployment, his childhood, my fears and my pride.  Now it’s time to bring up another really important part of the story—Buck!!

So here’s the story of Buck…as I know it.  Buck is a German Shepherd.  Hunter VOLUNTEERED for this Iraq deployment in June.  In July, he travelled to Indiana to the Vohne Liche Kennels.  Upon his arrival he met Buck– formally known as an Explosive Detection Canine.  He spent one month in the guidance of  the trainers from Vohne Liche.  There he learned tons of information about Buck, what Buck can do and how he can handle Buck and how together they can be a very effective team.  He spent time learning about the following:

Grooming and Health

First Aid/Safety

Explosive Overview

Odor Characteristics 

Contours (Odor Travel)

Leash Control

Explosive Searching

Detection Searches

Buildings

Vehicle

Obedience

He was so excited and when he would call me from school he was always so enthused about the content of the course.  He and Buck spent all their time together and their bond began to form.  I came to love Buck, too, through pictures and hearing Buck stories…..and also knowing that Buck is trained to protect my son and his fellow soldiers at all costs.

In Indiana, Hunter also met the team he is currently in Iraq with.  They also began to form their bond, as well.

From Indiana, after Hunter and Buck’s graduation….the dynamite duo  travelled to Arizona to the Army  portion of the schooling.  While Vohne Liche had been in depth civilian training….the Army then sent him to six more weeks of their curriculum.  He spent lots of time tracking in the desert sand, very practical practice for the terrain in Iraq.  I heard stories of ’sidewinders’ which sounded like pretty hateful little varmints….one of the few we don’t have here in Dixie.  I heard stories of having to spend the nights in the desert alone with all the dogs on a rotation basis and I could also hear in my son’s voice that the bond was really growing—daily—with both the dog and his fellow soldiers. 

Upon the Army’s graduation, Buck was sent to Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, Texas.  There he was ’sworn in’ to the Army and given his rank.  His rank is E-5.  It is Army policy that the dog will always be one rank higher than his handler.  Cute, hunh?  Now that Buck has become a certified Army Canine, any time Hunter is in a building he must leave his cover (hat) on.  This is the Army’s notification to other soldier’s that an armed soldier has entered the room.  So whether my son has his gun or not, he is still considered armed with Buck.  Again, cool hunh? 

Now, on to the mission of my dynamic duo….as I am told this is a brand new thing…well, sort of…they did it in Vietnam but it hasn’t been used since…..Hunter and Buck will be attached to a Special Forces Unit.  Another duo will be with him as well, they will be assigned in pairs of K9s and Soldiers.  When the Special Forces Unit finds explosives Hunter and Buck will be tracking back to the source of the explosives…..yeah, trust me, I know….it’s a really dangerous mission!  I doubt that the Iraqis that are laying the explosives make it easy to track back to them…….

My only thread of sanity comes from knowing how well trained both he and Buck are and the strong bond between the two–and of course my faith.  Hunter stands 6′3″ and Buck just about 3 foot but Buck weighs in at 160 lbs anyway…..not much less than my Lanky Long Legs son! 

So now, my friends and supporters you know about Buck–a very important part of the story!! Surely you have heard pride, pride and more pride in this installment and also with a bit more info on the mission it’s pretty clear that my fears are not trivial or contrived……next time I think I will write about the rest of the Soldiers that are with him….I have grown to know them and care for them, too….

So, please keep Hunter and Buck in your thoughts and prayers and me, too……

God Bless Hunter and Buck…..

Mama loves 

My oldest child will leave for Iraq this week. I so vividly remember holding him as a baby…looking at that little face and imagining what he would grow to be. It seemed like so far away in the future. I can remember his sounds,  his smells and his adorable little personality.  Now I watch him wear his uniform proudly and tower over everyone in the room. He doesn’t cry anymore when he gets hurt. His once toothless smile sometimes includes a cigarette–much to my dismay!  We have conversations about girls (gasp!) or the news or things that happened in his day and, once in a while, I’ll hear the occasional curse word come out of his mouth–He’s a Soldier–what can I expect?? He’s begun to have his own experiences separate from me. Even though, what’s funny is I can soooooo hear myself in him and the things he laughs about and thinks for some reason he has invented…!! LOL I know that there are parts of his life that I don’t know about and I hold my breath hoping that he is good and happy and safe. Every once in a while he’ll give me a hug or I’ll watch him sleeping and he still seems somehow small. I dream about this next stage of his life and realize how proud I am of all he has done so far and just how proud I will be when he comes home from Iraq……when he comes home!!  Mama loves Son….Mama loves

I am so proud to be Hunter’s mom!

And so it begins……..we spent the weekend together…..like old times.  Laughing and goofing off.  He bungee jumped and we raced go-karts.  We admired the beauty of the mountains and even went under the ground in some pretty neat caverns.  I bought him a coke float….like the ones I used to make him when he was little.  We talked, we laughed and we loved the time we had together.  Just another weekend, right…NOT.  The last weekend before he goes to Iraq. 

You just want to capture and savor and freeze every moment in time.  I spent the weekend in denial.  I can honestly admit that.  There’s a fine line between acknowledging and accepting what is happening and denying it.  I denied it.  Until the very last night……..we watched a comedy!  A really freakin funny one, too–What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas–Funny–a hoot really.  And then in the last few minutes of the movie my psyche would no longer accept the denial……….and reality fried me to the bone.  I wanted to take him and hold him and take him to his room and set him up with his little movies and toys and DARE the government to come knocking trying to drag him off to their STUPID war!  Like I said though, reality blindsided me and I realized I can’t…..I can’t keep in his room as my little boy because he is now a man—a very, very brave man…and I also realized it’s not the JUST the government’s STUPID war—-it’s ours.  We the American people….we have a land and a constitution and a people to protect and uphold and my son has to go defend them.  And I realized that we are the Land of the free…Because of the Brave.  I realized that come the next morning he would be off to pick up his orders and I would be headed back to my prison–the prison I shall live in until he returns home safely to me and all that love him.  So, I guess I have reached a point.  I have at least acknowledged his mission and that of our United States Armed Forces.  I have not accepted it yet.

Come on board with me.  Save me from the insanity that lies just below the surface.  I need strength—that’s why I blog.  Is there a way to make it to the next step?

  Accepting is completely a foreign idea for me at this point….I can honestly say that.

It was a sweet weekend.  I loved every moment.  It’s what I lived for.  Times like those made every challenge of parenthood more that worth it.  I can not wait to do it again.

Mama loves Son….Mama loves 

Yeah, it’s heavy.  I know. 

…………..this blog is serving it’s purpose.  I pulled a very long day today and came home very tired.  Had a brief chat via text with my son and we shared our confusion over how this whole thing feels….deep ‘mom/son’ stuff but you guys understand, I hope.  I cried a lot and I have learned to do it when he doesn’t know about it because I don’t want to burden him with worrying about me when he faces such a task as this…..

And then, I log on to this blog and I have a comment waiting for me on my most recent post.  Not just any well meaning comment, because they all are…..but a comment from a VETERAN!!  I appreciate ALL my comments and all my support from everyone who stops here for a moment or two…..but when it comes from someone who has served our country and to whom I have to thank for my own freedoms and rights today….that really was uplifting!!  And again, today was another one of those “really need it days.” 

I guess I am starting to realize there are going to be mostly “really need it days” until my son’s feet are firmly and safely back in this GREAT country we live in and even more so when I can wrap my arms around my baby boy’s neck (of course, reaching up to do it) and tell him how proud his mama is!! Not to mention over the moon to have him home!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please join me in thanking the Veteran who stopped by today for turning my day around with his words……..and please keep them coming everyone….it makes all the difference and means soooooooooooooooo much to me.

God Bless the USA!

So today, I am waiting in the drive thru….and I hear this lady yelling at me!  I am thinking hmmmm, I don’t think I cut her off or drove erratically…LOL…so I push the button and the windows go down and I stick my head out hesitantly and look her direction.  She got this genuinely kind look on her face and said, “just wanted to thank you for your sacrifice and your son’s service.”  Oh boy, that set off a crying fit.  I politely thanked her and then left the fast food lane without my order.  She had seen my “My son serves so we can be free” sticker.  I was so grateful for her kind comment but yet it just really touched a nerve that’s so close to the surface anyway right now.  I thought of my son and his tall lean stature and his ever deepening voice and his bright gorgeous blue eyes and his easy way and then reality slapped me hard–he’s about to face insurgents and IED’s and hostile people who don’t understand or welcome his mission and view our entire nation as their enemy.  That’s why this blog is called heaven and hell at once……because I am so proud and so blessed to be his mom but I am also very anxious and it just troubles me beyond description that I can’t be there to be sure he’s getting enough to eat and enough rest (which I am certain he won’t be) and I won’t be there to watch out for him or make sure he has a clean uniform like I used to in ROTC–I know that borderlines on silly to some but it’s my emotions and most of the time in this case, my emotions make no sense.  I guess that’s pretty much what I am blogging for, is to try and use this as an outlet and perhaps keep a bit of sanity.  Of course, hoping to get words from you all to keep my perspective as healthy as I can. So to the lady who thanked me….thank YOU for being so kind….and to all of you who read here….thank YOU for not having me locked up in the cuckoo bin…..and he hasn’t even left the country yet!  I just love him more than words can say and I am very blessed that I am his mom…..remember I am here for your strength, support and courage to lean on…….so send some my way….it’s one of those ‘really need it’ days.

He turned 20 in February.  Growing so fast…..enjoying life to the fullest.  Bought himself a fast (and very nice) car and fielding the ladies like an old pro (wink, wink) grows his whiskers when he is on leave and loves his little brothers more than ever!  Still a sucker for a laugh and usually the guy in the group that evokes the most laughter out of the whole group.  Still hates it when I kick his butt go-cart racing (don’t listen to his claims that he LET me win!) A true American kid coming in to his own and figuring out this life and where he wants it to take him.  A mother’s dream–a happy, healthy, polite well-adjusted kid.

He just turned 20 in February.  Drives a government issued Tahoe and has his K9 partner Buck riding shotgun.  Straps his knives and guns on before he begins his shift.  Tries to keep some sense of reality with all that he sees while performing his duty to this great nation.  Keenly aware of his surroundings and constantly has an eye for safety and security. VOLUNTEERED for his upcoming tour to ‘the sandbox’.  Uncle Sam’s dream–a patriotic kid with a real sense of duty, who believes we ask not what our country can do for us but we can do for our country, who takes his liberties and freedoms seriously enough to lay his life on the line for it.

That’s what this blog is about……..reconciling the two young men you read about above.

Both boys any mom would be proud to call their son, both boys are one in the same—my first born son of whom I am most proud.

This is somewhat off my intended topic but it’s rather important for me to get this out there.

You ever hear that saying, “The only people you need in your life is the people that need you in their’s”?  Well, if you haven’t previously….now you have!  And let me expound upon it………Don’t bust your butt for a friendship or a relationship or anything else for that matter with a person that doesn’t appreciate you or reciprocate your attention to the friendship and/or relationship.  If at sometime during your friendship/relationship it becomes evident that you are an ‘option’ to the other party then WITHDRAW your attention, adoration and friendship and/or love.  Do NOT waste another minute thinking that with just a little more TLC the other person will come around.  Forgive me for being blunt but if they are an A%@*Hole now, they always will be!!!  Save your energies and attention for the multitudes that are out there that will appreciate you and reciprocate your actions of appreciation.  Trust me, someone will value YOU just the way YOU are more than you have ever been valued before.  So find those relationships/friendships and bask in them.  The quicker you move on the better for you and all those who truly will love and appreciate you!

Wise wisdom gathered from fourty years of faltering  

p.s. promise to get back to my intended journalling of my son’s brave journey and mine and his feelings along the way next post….deviated long enough